Still Here

When my domain renewal notice came in back toward the beginning of December I was of two minds whether or not to renew. On one hand it wasn’t a huge bill, in previous domains my renewal could be 4-8x my original purchase… they had me over a barrel so to speak. I once paid £8 for a years domain and the renewal was over £100, but mostly in the £40 – £60 range. This was much lower, probably the same or very similar to what the 1st year had cost. So I was already of a mind to pay it and just continue not writing much like I did for all 2021.

And then things began to happen…

Well lets be fair the things happened before the renewal came up. First of these was the consultation on a new puppy. Our old dog is ~14 (human) years old, he’s almost completely deaf and not terribly well sighted. He’s arthritic and has poor teeth (better after a recent vet visit). And probably not long for the world. He’s of working cocker stock and 14-15 years is about their limit (with obvious exceptions). He is however a much loved family pet, never worked a day of his life… well not unless foot warmer and companion animal is work – I don’t think he ever thought so…

So a consultation on getting a new puppy. My father ((and mother) who I live with) had seen an advert for 8 week old Sprocker Puppies (Mother was a Springer & Father was another working cocker). However my father is not in the best of health himself (poorly heart) or in the first blush of youth (I’m 46+ after all) and while he’d do most of the feeding cleaning up and some walking mum and I would have to pick up the slack on the walking. Mum who is his elder by a few years is also not in the greatest of physical health and she has many more outside interests (WI, Folk Singing, etc) so has less time hanging around to look after said puppy.

So my thoughts were sought on whether or not I’d be able to walk him… evidently I wasn’t clear enough in my disinterest because Stanley (or as I generally write it (not liking the name much) Stan Lee… he gets called Spanley a lot too) duly arrived in our lives late November early December. Needless to say my father walks him a little, feeds him and takes him to the vet. Mum and I walk him and mum does much of the cleaning, and minding when my father has much to important naps to miss.

And to the reason for this long preamble walk him… everyday so far (well after he’d had his 10 week injections and was allowed off the farm proper. We’re still working up to long walks… well I say we, he’d have no issue with longer walks I on the other hand have been long dormant and need to work my way in slowly.

New Year?

I have forgotten what I wrote in my previous missive about Christmas, it was okay and I enjoyed it as much as I ever enjoy Christmas… which is to say not a great deal. New year (the event) passed as it normally does with my being surprised at midnight by fireworks. I made some new resolutions though.

And some of these will be easier to say than do.

1. Lose Weight: In 2021 I lost a grand total of about 10Kg… that sounds like a lot… that is a lot… but sadly I also put on about 9.8Kg… so a net loss but nowhere near the amount I hoped to lose. And bear in mind I have goals and prizes to reward myself when those goals are met. I just ate too much and exercised too little. This year I’ll do better…
   Coupled to my (5) the goals are weights to achieve and hold for a month. If I can do that I’ll earn various rewards, some of them are simple. A fairly basic reward is if I keep up walking for a month (at least 5 days a week maintain my daily step count, I earn a new pair of leggings (yeah manly I know :p (I love leggings))), another is if I can get down to 18st and keep it off for a month (or get lighter ofc) I get a manicure (love those too), 15st was IIRC (planned this a year ago so I might not recall some of them correctly) either an IPL/Laser device for hair removal or a salon visit for the same (face > legs > rest). 14/13st (basically my ultimate goal) all of the above and maybe a leotard or two… being realistic if I had to pick any one garment to wear and I’d look good in that garment, a leotard would be at the top of my list… love them more than leggings. (There were over the internet drugs mentioned in that final goal too originally, not sure if I can learn to love myself without them I’ll need them, but if not yeah them too, and if they kill me I’ll die knowing I was on the right path, still be dead and they’re at least temporarily off the list…)
   Of course If I ever got to 13/14 st I’d be skeletal, but tell the Leeds GID clinic that… bastards.
2. Do More Exercise: See above. I also have a reason to get exercise. My biggest issue with exercise is I have no real interest in it for it’s own sake, I don’t enjoy it for itself and the end results are to far down the line to do it for them. If I walked a mile everyday for all of January, 2 miles for February… etc (A 2021 resolution) Yes I’d have probably eased into it slowly and also probably have reached some of my weight loss and fitness goals. But the resolution wasn’t supported by my actual willingness to go outside in the dark and the cold. I don’t have any fitness equipment, I’m not going to do a peloton in my bedroom and while I love the idea of WoW biking (link) it’s not terribly practical when I haven’t played WoW or any other MMO in quite some time (8 boxing City of Heroes doesn’t count, can’t ride 8 bikes at once…)
   So having a puppy that needs way more exercise than I can provide him with (to tire him out so he doesn’t spend all his time inside annoying our old dog or the three cats, is definitely something that will push me to get more exercise. And it’s working already… while it did take a while before I could get some new walking boots (Merrel MOAB 2s with the Goretex, I already own the MOAB 2 Vents in a shoe so I knew they’d fit, they do but it remains to be seen how long they’ll remain dry).
3. Work Harder: Been working for The Courtyard Dairy for just over 3 years now. All legit under my benefit rules (ESA Support group) I can work up to 16 hours a week (at no more than minimum wage), generally I work around 8 hours a month. So I asked my very nice boss for some extra hours, so next week I am starting a new admin focussed role. Hopefully I can cope with that and push toward going fully part time 16-20 hours a week and finally come off benefit. It’s been great to have that fall back when things went wrong in my life but hopefully I’m getting back to the point where I can cope with the real world a little more.
   The depression hasn’t gone, I don’t know it ever will (not wanting to upset any cancer survivor but I liken it to cancer or the self/psyche, once it’s had it’s claws in you it just waits to have you again), I’m much more aware of where it hides now and I hope (Touch Wood and Whistle) that it’s beaten for good.
4. Write More: This missive might be the grand start to that… I’m bored of gaming/games. I can only read (with enjoyment) so much before I become disillusioned with the stories if not the authors. I have a few more books planned since I last updated this blog… mostly more of t he same… we’ll see if any of them make it out of my mind and onto a page. Crosses Fingers
5. Be Myself: This deserves it’s own entry rather than a brief synopsis within a bulleted list. But briefly I am basically self identified as Transgender, well I identify as being Gender Queer. ((I just wrote a whole 2nd post (in length) explaining my thoughts and feelings so this will be another post in the very near future. Basically stop trying to pretend I’m a normal heterosexual male (I don’t do a very good job of it) and let my more feminine side out a bit. Stop hiding in the shadows. I hope.
6. Learn To Love Who I Am: This goes hand in hand with all of the above basically. There are parts of me that will remain hidden, that I don’t want anyone to know because they are horrible (I haven’t done anything that is horrible but if I did I’d be locked up.) But the rest; the closeted gender queer, being bi-sexual (probably pan/omni-sexual¹), having strong feelings about things that aren’t generally thought to matter to many/most, to embrace my autism as a feature not a bug… etc
   Yeah I know buzz words and stuff but ultimately it’s me/myself/Irene who caused me/myself/Irene to be afflicted by depression and I’m the only one who can keep it at bay. Yes physical exercise is strongly suggested to help against depression, not sure it works when you don’t enjoy it… I’m willing to bet that it’s the endorphin release that’s responsible for making you less depressed when doing exercise, low impact, puffing wheezing up hills being towed by small brown dogs doesn’t a lot of endorphins release…
   Still I’m a work in progress and I’m hoping that some progress is made this year.

After all that I’m not done with this post yet.

New Room…

Well to be clear it’s the same room with a funky new “skin”. Back in the beginning I bought a new desktop, 200x73x4cm cheap Ash (small staves, ergo cheap), but of course when you don’t have a lot of cash cheap is relative and I spent most of my savings on desktop, paint… bits + etc. All the bits to update my room. In the end I came out ahead with the paint and floor being paid for by my father (he gets that VAT back), so I now have a lovely new desk; aforementioned desktop, Ikea underframe, several Ikea drawer units (Helmed?) and a couple of other bits/pieces. All told I spent around £350 and I have another £150 to spend on bits to get it to the final point. That doesn’t include a new monitor/GPU though they’d both be part of the finished setup if there was any way in Myth I could manage them.

I’m going to leave this post here, lots to think about here, not sure if airing all my dirty secrets is good for the soul or not.

1. I don’t pick the targets of my affections based on their age, gender, sexuality, intelligence or political leanings.
2. My foot notes addon doesn’t appear to be working.